Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Business 101

Oh man what a day….
You may remember me mentioning that the company I work for has been purchased by a much larger company. I affectionately refer to them as the “Borg”.

Contrary to what Human Resources may tell you, whenever one company buys another there is a distinct winner and loser. Don’t believe the hype when they say “we’re all in this together”. Just continue to do your job function and everything will work out.

It’s bull-shit, trust me.
You will be around just long enough to show the other guys what you did and where you housed it.
Then you will unceremoniously ass fucked and told to leave.
And the purchasing company will feel absolved because they gave you a severance package, now matter how shitty the package is in reality.

I think my curse is the ability to see through all the smoke.
Most folks in this office can’t or choose not to.

So it’s coming down to the end of days for some folks and the mood here is quite depressing.
I’ve seen random bouts of crying and heard pledges to stay in touch for ever. I’ve even been watching this one person clear out their office for going on four days now.

Seriously, who needs that much crap in an office? I can be packed up and on my way in probably 10 minutes tops.
Maybe less if you have my check waiting and aren’t sitting in my office with that smug “I’m going to escort you out” look on your face.
In which case, I will go slower and fart as often and loudly as humanly possible without blowing out my O-ring.

I don’t want to seem unsympathetic but in my mind, it’s only a job.
Save for a couple of people, I don’t socialize with my co-workers outside of work. So I guess that makes it easier for me in some respects. Of course they think I’m a dill-hole but that’s cool with me.

I’m doing my best to put on a good face but I might not be able to hold out much longer.

As of next week, there will only be two people left on my side of the building…me and the guy next door.
He’s going to bring in his XM stereo. Then we’re going to take down the flat screen TV mounted in the executive offices and move it and the satellite over to our offices.

That should lighten the mood around here…
And I’m thinking every day could become casual day…
With Happy Hour observed at 3:00 PM…

I hope these folks are able to find work. This one employee dump will push the unemployment rate up 500 basis points in this little burb’…damn now I’m depressed…I’m going to have a drink.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Only In TLTTF!

Spurs has commented on the lovely town we currently reside in and the ratio of churches to people living here - not sure if he has ever commented on the amount of restaurants in ratio to the people living here. Let me tell you - there is some type of eating establishment every half mile or so here - no lack of restaurants and how shall I put this politely - no lack of individuals ready to indulge in not so healthy eating. I swear everyone here eats out - I wonder why they even put stoves in houses or apartments around here.

So that brings me to the next subject - gyms. There is a popular gym chain here in town and they just built this huge new facility that will be more like a family type of gym with lots of stuff for kids and adults in the same building. And * surprise * we see the new sign go up in front of it and they are also adding two restaurants inside the gym - a pizza place and an italian place. Hmmm, nothing like working up a good sweat and then grabbing a nice greasy slice of pizza afterwards. Only in TLTTF!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work we go

Some people just piss me off…

Let me back up for a moment.
I travel quite a bit.
I bet you I’ve been through every major airport in the U.S. and most of the little ones.
If I had to guess, I would say that I’ve been on over 500 flights in my lifetime.

Over this time, I’ve learned a few tricks on how to travel. And by this I mean, how to pack, what time to get to specific airports, what airline is better for what route, what airport to eat in, when it’s best to use a sky cap, etc. Hell, in some airports I can even tell you where there are secret bathrooms.

The one thing I haven’t been able to figure out however, is how to travel for a day meeting and show up looking presentable.
By this, I mean leaving early in the morning to arrive in another city for day long meetings.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I can do those flights. It’s just that I never show up looking quite as professional as I did when I left.

I see these men all the time, suit perfectly pressed, shoes gleaming, not a hair out of place.
They get on the plane and place their perfectly folded jacket in the overhead bin.
Not once does someone else try to stuff an “overnighter” in the same compartment.
They can drink coffee, eat the morning snack, type away on their Blackberry while reading the Wall Street Journal in a light colored linen suit and never spill a mother fucking drop.

I on the other hand will have my coat mangled by some bitch trying to shove a 140lb suitcase into the overhead. Then have some lady with a baby sit beside me and watch in disbelief as she gives the toddler his god damn juice. Guess where this shit winds up??? My lap of course. FUCK!!!!!!!!
Then the guy in front of me will slam his seat back, knocking my coffee on me and the kid causing the little fucker to cry non-stop until we land.

I try and I try but it never fails. By the time I get off the plane I look like 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag.

This happened yesterday.
On the way home, I saw one of the perfect traveler guys. We both left from the same airport at 6:00 AM. It was now 11:00 PM and the little pecker head still looked immaculate. I looked like I had just gone three rounds with Butterbean.

So I hit him…
And it felt good…
And his little Abercrombie tie just wasn’t quite straight anymore…

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

An idle mind is the Devil's workshop...

Wife’s out of town – Yay!!!
No one to eat with – Boo!!!
Bed to myself (she’s a cover thief) – Yay!!!
No one to snuggle with – Boo!!!
Can watch anything I want on TV – Yay!!!
No one to watch TV with – Boo!!!
All the hot water I want – Yay!!!
No one to chase around the shower or wash my back – Boo!!!
Going out drinking with the boys – Yay!!!
No one to bring me Advil – Boo!!!
I can drink from the OJ container – Yay!!!
Who cares you big dip wad – Boo!!!

Hurry home Napster, the cat’s no fun to play with anymore…

Friday, March 10, 2006

Nap's DNA

Here is Napster's DNA Test:

As a DIRECTOR, you combine an unusual openness and passion for beauty and style with confidence and a down-to-earth sensibility that allow you to realize your vision.

You are practical and pay attention to the details that others tend to miss.

By focusing on what is real and concrete, you achieve more than those who always have their heads in the clouds.

When it comes to what really matters in your life, you are confident in your ability to succeed.

Having beautiful things in your life gives you pleasure and satisfaction - you have a keen eye for style.

Even when problems present themselves, deep down you know you will overcome these challenges.

When routines get too familiar, you become bored and start looking for ways to spice things up.

You are open to new types of experiences – you are not afraid to take a risk on something new.

You have a highly developed sense of taste – you know what looks good on you, in your home, and in the world at large.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

You are a fashion maven, up on trends, but distinct in your own style. You don't follow trends, you set them.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

DNA Thing

Saw this over at Oddybobo's and wanted to be one of the cool kids...

Your imagination, self-reliance, openness to new things, and appreciation for utility combine to make you an INVENTOR.

You have the confidence to make your visions into reality, and you are willing to consider many alternatives to get that done.

The full spectrum of possibilities in the world intrigues you—you're not limited by pre-conceived notions of how things should be.

Problem-solving is a specialty of yours, owing to your persistence, curiosity, and understanding of how things work.

Your vision allows you to identify what's missing from a given situation, and your creativity allows you to fill in the gaps.

Your awareness of how things function gives you the ability to come up with new uses for common objects.

It is more interesting for you to pursue excitement than it is to get caught up in a routine.

Although understanding details is not difficult for you, you specialize in seeing the bigger picture and don't get caught up in specifics.

You tend to more proactive than reactive—you don't just wait for things to come to you.

Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts

You tend to do things on the spur of the moment, not sticking to a set schedule.

Napster will have to verify this but it seems pretty damn close...


One of my favorite ESPN contributors has written a colorful little anecdote and I can't stop chuckling...

"Playing quarterback in the NFL is the equivalent of getting in the sack with Jenna Jameson. Oh, everybody wants to do it, but it can be an incredibly humbling and "short" experience."

I still wanna try it though...